Hi

i guess im writing this here in a notepad.

by the time any of you read this, it'll probably be too late to do anything.

instead of rushing to get me out of doing it, take the time to read this.

i will miss you all, you guys are amazing, and i hope you all make it far.

i dont know where to start honestly.

a month ago, i sat to think about my life, what i've achieved, and i realized i've been working towards nothing, i have nothing, the stress of living was taking over.

when i realized this, i sat down to think about how to end it, and after sitting on it, i quit my job, got paid out, and decided this trip with Nim would be a good way to get away from everything and be alone far from everything.

i also had a depressed moment some time ago and i trusted Nim enough to tell her, and now i regret it because she has been holding it over me, sometimes mocking me for it, and it made me close back up, after so long of trying to be more open, at that time, Shiro comforted me on a call and was there and she took the time to listen to me and i will never forget her, that's a best friend.

why did i do it? if im being honest, i have a dead end job that was already killing me, and frankly, liking Nim hurt me, she has such a negative look on everything, she never trusted me, everything angered her, i will say i was very touchy, but after a couple of days on the trip, it felt like she took me for granted, after a while i felt like her friend more than a partner.

i'm just dumping my thoughts i guess.

as for the vtuber server, i'd appreciate it if you guys could keep it going, i consider it my one achievement in this life, it's not perfect but it's what i got.

i would like the server to be ran by multiple people, that way no one person gets their way, and i feel like it needs some real rules and pointers so here they are:

1.-politics are not welcome here, they only cause division and they are based on everyones own experience in life.

2.-if all you do is flirt and not be productive, you will be kicked, i hate it, you are nothing but a hoe if your whole personality is flirting with girls.

3.-keep it simple,stupid. dont overcomplicate the server, make it as easy as possible to navigate the server.

4.-kick anyone that hasn't interacted in the server for over 2 months, i want to to be a server of active people, not nepotism.

5.-this is a catch-all rule, what would Jason do? i always prioritize the group, and i will exclude people if they make the group uncomfortable or if i see them impact the group negatively, if you see something, do something, stop being scared.

6.- whoever ends up mainly in charge, please try to keep the Social Saturdays, they help keep people interested.

if i missed anything, use rule 5 to make more rules if necessary, remember rule 3 while making rules.

i think i'm gonna leave Liv in main charge and a voting system to figure out how to move forward, Liv will be at the head, but a council should vote to get stuff done, prepping for when im gone.

i will also have Yuri as my "Interpreter" she understood me better than everyone, including my girlfriend, and i know she will get better.

Serene is unfit to make the right decisions.

So the council will be Liv, Yuri, and Shirgi.

Yuri, never give up, dont let anything stop you, you are the best.

onto some personal stuff, i know i have a lot of trauma and baggage i should've worked through, but it's been eating at me so long that i can't take it anymore.

living alone really eats at you after a while, i regret being on my own.

if i'm being honest, Nim felt like a burden, after our last trip, she tried got sad and i thought she was having a breakdown, so days after getting home, i drove without sleep back to her for 13 hours straight, on christmas day, just for her to be waiting outside her house, and she wanted to break up, but after talking we somewhat sorted it out, after that, it felt like i had crossed the relation's bridge of no return, she made a google doc and tried to "expose" me and sent it to my best friend Shiro trying to get her to turn on me, but Shiro told me and it was a mess after that, i have a response( https://docs.google.com/document/d/1LCxQd-6zV_HWRMQrIempVsj4L3KPLhqa9oE3sRxYKVg/edit?usp=sharing ) (also that doc is both ancient and a mess)i never posted in case she ever did release it. everytime after it, if i brought up something about the doc, she would say something like "well my mom influenced that part" to everything in the doc.

I still love Nim, even though it hurts.

Nim will never take responability for her mistakes, she will say sorry a million times and keep doing it, i realized that she would never change after that christmas mess, i hoped that she would be better, but i was wrong.

every time i tried to point out something Nim could improve on, she would say she is trying, but after 1 year of our relationship, literally nothing has improved from the time we started dating, we talk less often, she has been less lovey dovey, she has not improved at all with her "social battery", nothing she has said she'd improve on has improved in our relationship.

at some point, i think i was closer to Yuri, her innocence, her social anxiety, her personality as a whole was fun to be around, and ever since some of her personal stuff leaked, she was more trusting in me, to the point of talking about her depression and other stuff with me, Yuri, if you're reading this, your secrets are safe with me, in the bottom of the ocean.

Yuri understood me better than Nim ever did, Yuri, you matched my personality so well, i had a blast every time we got to hang out, i hope you'll continue to improve and be greater than everyone, I BELIEVE IN YOU.

i don't know even now, how i saw Yuri, she felt like a best friend and a daughter i could care for and push forward, i dont think i felt anything romantic for her. 

at this point i'm just looking out my car window wondering what im missing.

i have 60% battery left, i'll put it to sleep and drive around till i remember other stuff.

I had a blast with y'all last night in VC, i'm gonna miss these things we had.

(also i didn't know what to do with my archives, i considered having a drive folder, but that would probably not be the best, so i guess i deleted it all)